Nothing is as easy as it looks. 
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Everything takes longer than you think. 
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Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. 
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If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then. 
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If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 
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If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 
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Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 
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If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 
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Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 
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Mother nature is a bitch. 
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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. 
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Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first. 
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Every solution breeds new problems. 
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Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 
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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious 
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All the good ones are taken. 
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If the person isn't taken, there's a reason.
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The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. 
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Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant. 
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The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. 
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Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. 
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The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it. 
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Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. 
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Nice guys(girls) finish last. 
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If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. 
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Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else. 
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Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value 
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You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 
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Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 
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Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 
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Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 
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If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 
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The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 
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The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord. 
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An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. 
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Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. 
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All great discoveries are made by mistake. 
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Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 
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Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 
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All's well that ends. 
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A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 
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The first myth of management is that it exists. 
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A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection. 
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New systems generate new problems. 
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To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 
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We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 
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Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 
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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 
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A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. 
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Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. 
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Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 
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The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 
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To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most. 
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After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 
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Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development. 
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A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 
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If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. 
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Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 
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Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File." 
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under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases. 
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If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 
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The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order. 
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In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday. 
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Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. 
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All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. 
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The only perfect science is hind-sight. 
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Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling. 
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If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 
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If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 
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When all else fails, read the instructions. 
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If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 
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Everything that goes up must come down. 
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Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 
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Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way. 
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Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it. 
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The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management. 
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If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. 
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If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it. 
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Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work. 
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No matter how long or how many times you explain, no one is listening.
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The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible.
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Beat me with the truth, don't torture me with lies. 
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Being cool, is not trying to be cool. 
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Be thankful for problems. If they were less difficult, someone with less ability might have your job. 
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Boredom sets into boring minds. 
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By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game. 
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Change your thoughts and you change your world.
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Charm is getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
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Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
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Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 
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Copy from one its plagiarism, copy from two its research.
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Dear Jesus, Please help Mommy and Daddy. Take care of Brother and Me. And please God, take care of yourself cause if anything happens to you we are in big trouble. Amen 
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Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.
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Don't be afraid of tomorrow, for God has already been there. 
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Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened. 
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Don't get good at doing something if you don't like doing it. 
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Don't measure your life by how many breaths you take, measure it by how many times you get your breath taken away. 
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Don't pray for easy lives! Pray to be stronger men! Don't pray for tasks equal to your powers! Pray for powers equal to your tasks!
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Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. 
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Don't tell God how big your problems are...tell your problems how big your God is. 
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Drive carefully, we need every taxpayer we can get. 
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Dusty bibles lead to dirty lives. 
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Everybody has a photographic memory. . . . Some don't have film. 
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Every good friend once was a stranger. 
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Excuses are the easiest things to manufacture, and the hardest things to sell. 
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Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities.
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Fools rush in - and get all the best seats. 
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Give a man a fish and he won't starve for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he won't starve for his entire life. 
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. 
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I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it. 
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I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship. 
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I am so glad God sees the whole video tape of my life, and not just a snapshot of where I am now. 
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I am the world's greatest authority on my own opinion. 
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I asked Mom if I was a gifted child...she said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me. 
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.  
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I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in? 
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I'd love to make up my mind, but I can't remember where I left it. 
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I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. 
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I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.  
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I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.  
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I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.  
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I don't understand Christianity, nor do I understand electricity, but I don't intend to sit in the dark until I do!  
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If all else fails, read the directions. 
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If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 
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If evolution was true, mothers would have more than two hands. 
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If I had my life to live over I would have cried and laughed less while watching television - and more while watching life.  
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If money could talk, it would say goodbye. 
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If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand we'd be so simple we couldn't understand. 
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If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. 
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If we'd confess our sins to one another we'd all laugh at the lack of originality.  
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Killing time murders opportunities.  
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Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless. 
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Lazyness is the only luxury that not even a millioner can afford.  
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Learning history is easy. Learning its lessons is almost impossible. 
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Let perseverance be your engine and hope your fuel. 
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Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel.  
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Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.  
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Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.  
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Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. 
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May your life be long and useful like a roll of toilet paper. 
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Murphy's Law isn't recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 
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My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.  
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My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
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Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby. 
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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. 
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Never wrestle with a pig. You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it.  
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Nobody plans to fail, they just fail to plan.  
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Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.  
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No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
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No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway. 
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 
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Out to lunch; if not back by five, out for dinner also. 
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The only person getting his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 
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Now that I've given up hope I feel much better... 
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Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most. 
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Oh Lord, help me to keep my big mouth shut until I know what I'm talking about. 
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One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others. 
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One reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.  
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Only the winners decide what were war crimes. 
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Pay attention to your enemies, for they are the first to discover your mistakes.
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People forget how fast you did a job- but they remember how well you did it. 
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People may not always believe what you say, but they will believe what you do.  
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People who have heard me sing, say I don't.  
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Philosophy can not be attained from text on a page... it comes from with the soul. 
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When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.
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Roses are red, Violets are blue, Most poems rhyme, This one doesn't 
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Save time ... see it my way. 
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Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you will land among the stars. 
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If Murphy's law can go wrong it will. 
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Sing like you know the words; dance like no one's watching; and love like it's never going to hurt. 
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; Others whenever they go.  
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Some goals are so worthy, it's glorious even to fail. 
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Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible. 
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Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.  
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Some people hate waking up and getting out of bed. I enjoy it. I do it three or four times a day.  
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Sometimes God doesn't tell us His plan because we wouldn't believe it anyway. 
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Sometimes I know that there is intelligent life on other planets because they haven't tried to contact us.  
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Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known  
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Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You have got to set your self on fire for it. 
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The best things in life aren't things. 
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The best revenge is a vow to never be like the one who hurt you.  
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The cold absolute truth is much more preferred than a kind and uncertain lie. 
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Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: bananosecond.  
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To be or not to be... I think its a trick question.  
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To every complex problem there is an easy answer; and it is wrong! 
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To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human. 
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To light a candle is to cast a shadow.  
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Triumph is "umph" added to try. 
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Two kinds of people: Those who finish what they start and ... 
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Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.  
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Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.  
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Ulcers are caused not so much by what we eat as what's eating us.  
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Vision is not seeing things as they are, but as they will be.  
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War never decides who is right, only who is left.  
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We can't control the wind, but we have the power to adjust the sails.  
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We could all take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.  
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We often see further through a tear, than through a telescope. 
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We only grow when we step outside our comfort zone. 
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We see things not as they are, but as we are.  
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We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.  
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What now is proved was once only imagined. 
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When Satan reminds you of your past, remind him of his future. 
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When no one is watching, live as if someone is.  
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When someone says, "do you want my opinion"?- it's always a negative one.  
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When we seek to discover the best in others, we somehow bring out the best in ourselves. 
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When you lose, don't lose the lesson.  
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Where you're going is more important then where you stand.  
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You should not confuse your career with your life. 
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Your attitude is the librarian of your past, the speaker of your present, and the prophet of your future.
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You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day!  
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You either have to be first, best, or different.  
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You can't get to the top by sitting on your bottom. 
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You can never understand the true value of something until you don't have it anymore.
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You better think about the future, for it's where you will spend the rest of your life. 
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You always find something in the last place you look.
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I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
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What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
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Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
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How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
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If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
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If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
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What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
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How do they get deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
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If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
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If God sneezes...what should you say?
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If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
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If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first?
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If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
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If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
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Since cats always land on their feet and jelly bread always lands jelly-side down, what happens if you tie jelly bread to the back of a cat?
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What is the speed of dark?
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When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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Would a fly without wings be called a walk?